Continuing to mine the past despite my better intentions, I keep encountering specific things that send me back to 10 years ago before I moved to California. Today it was an errant .doc file on my hard-drive of some emails that Antonio had sent D-L 2007-2009, which I followed up by reading some of my own emails and gchat logs with him… What I feel most frustrated with, now at the end of the day, is first that (though I can’t remember the details of what happened) I never ended up meeting up with Antonio in the time between him moving to Chicago and me moving to San Francisco, and second the fact that I keep being reminded that the internet as it exists in 2021 is a pale imitation of what it was in 2011, 2007, 2002. I truly despise reminiscing but as I come to terms with the fact that life ostensibly always feels like a transitional moment rather than a moment when Something Is Happening, it can be helpful to put things into perspective.
The way I deliver my own energy has shifted in such ways throughout my life, never coalescing into the Ideal Work that I can’t quite bring to fruition, but structuring itself with more clarity and definition, if still only ever feeling at most (in the moment) like a half-baked idea. But there are always things to be curious about, there are always things to be learned. If I do truly believe that it’s the transfer of energy that’s important, the inability to coalesce into A Finished Project should not be as upsetting as it is. But I will continue to make the attempt, continue to investigate and experiment and push towards the new.
I think I was maybe slated for something darker when I started writing this but in the process of getting distracted repeatedly, it’s ending rather on a better note. In the past I would have labeled the above revelation as futility, in a sense, but now it seems like motivation.