I deleted twitter, no one reads anything on Instagram, and no one knows about this blog, so I guess I’ll periodically use it to journal in a public yet unseen sort of way. B/c why not? A perfect solution to broadcasting my emotions with zero repurcussions of anyone actually paying attention.

Anyway, I’ve been feely really sort of emotionally drained and mostly uninspired lately; part of this is the outcome of pouring all of my energy into getting myself pumped up about teaching movement classes & designing posters and business cards and trying to brainstorm outreach methods, only to be punched in the face by the omicron surge; which, ironically, classes at AP are probably less of a spread zone than even the grocery store, but again, as someone who is basically not seeing anyone indoors unmasked I can’t fault anyone from however they’ve viewing their own safety (though I can still be frustrated by what feels like inconsistency lmao).

But beyond that, I’ve been distracted. I’m having a hard time focusing on books or movies and I’m frustrated with my creative output. While my flat/acro flow work seems to be going strong & is pleasing right, I’m really frustrated with my movement quality when it comes to “parkour” or jumping off things. I know I don’t need to be butthurt about it but with everything else that’s happening I can’t help but be frustrated. I will continue to just try to put in the work, and now that it’s finally not raining constantly I can at least start getting outside more, which is always good for my mental health.

There’s a level where I’m also lowkey continually disappointed that absolutley no one seems to give even the slightest shit about any of my movement, but I also have to remember that I shouldn’t expect anything: I just need to maintain the interest in it myself and give it time to come into its own. I had a thought a week or two (or more?) ago about how writing is the only thing I’ve ever felt like I was a “natural” at, but that’s absolutely not true — I’ve just been writing whatever the fuck it is that I write for a lot longer than I’ve been doing anything else. Also, it’s not like I write all that regularly, as my actual practice involves taking forever to finish writing anything and then taking even longer to edit/shape it into a book. Whereas right now I’m successfully training movement daily. The progress has been quick, but I just feel like I have so fucking much to catch up on, as I was mostly lethargic and inert in my 20s and now at 35 have only been training for ~3 years, versus like 20 year olds who have been training since they were 8 lmao. I understand, of course, that trying to compare myself to anyone else is always a moot point, but there are qualities & skills that I desire and am putting work into developing but it’s such a long road!

The main frustration re the paragraph above is that I still feel like what I am after in terms of an expressive medium is something that involves movement, but since I’m still in the stage of really trying to acquire technique and skills and aesthetics that I don’t hate, it’s hard to start thinking about the expressive/creative elements. And because for me the creation/communication of the energy that runs through me has always been my guiding force, it’s been very frustrating to have that energy channeling through me, have an idea about how I want to communicate, but be technically too behind to be able to make it really work. I just have to keep reminding myself that all I can do is keep moving forward.